I really do like writing... I swear I do!

Mer. I hate these kind of funks. They're crazy hate spirals of lethargy...

Guess what? Getting married didn't magically transform me into more responsible, upright, and constructive member of society. Shuckenzie.

Not that I actually thought it would, I really wasn't THAT dim... But I do remember thinking a few things like, "I'll work on that after the wedding", "It'll be so nice when there's more time to do ___", and even "Think of all the things we can do together after the wedding!"

And yes, the rational part of my self knew the whole time that I would still be the same person after as I was before, the same video-game playing, whimsical, sometimes-lazy, disorganized me. (I could add other adjectives, but I wanted to keep to the point... ish...) I knew changing Boyfriend's title to Husband would not change my personal characteristics overnight, but rather it would influence goals and objectives--bringing change to my self gradually over time.

But I think some small part of me (the five-year-old, probably... Her name is Sheila) was... not "disappointed", more like "bemused". I'm not a responsible adult yet, isn't that supposed to happen sometime? I still pick my lip, I still procrastinate, I still try to wriggle out of things I don't want to do, I still pick my nose when I'm by myself (you do too, admit it, tissue or no that booger came out of your nostril & it left by aid of your finger!!), and I still like playing video games & reading kids' books.

Not to blame this bafflement on marriage or Husband--no, I also experienced this vague bewilderment upon getting my driver's license, graduating highschool, graduating college, getting my own apartment, just about every milestone you can think of has been illumed by a brief ray of "Yes! We made it here!!" followed by a puzzling "wait, I still feel like I did before... is that supposed to happen?"

Now I know I'm going to get into trouble if I don't clarify this, so here we go. ;)

Marriage is wonderful, delightful, brand-new and all kinds of different than the single life I was living before. I love Husband, and the life we're building together is amazing and refreshing. I have new goals in life, new objectives, new "achievements to unlock" (yes, I have been playing more Skyrim than is strictly healthy...). But my thought patterns, personality quirks, habits, tics, selfish behaviours, the "inner demons" are still around. All that is still inside. Yes, the heart is trying to draw closer to God, and yes, it's delightful to travel that path with someone alongside me (I lurv you Husband!), and yet...

I dunno. I was really hoping I would've kicked that whole lip-picking thing by now. :P And the procrastinating thing, I was REALLY hoping to be over that... there's so much stuff to do now!? Like, y'know, thank you cards!!! SO MANY THANK YOU CARDS!!! Not to say I'm not thankful, I truly am! But that awful little Sheila (the 5yr-old) never wants to get my butt into gear and do productive stuff. :(

I'm really wondering where I was going with this when I started. I honestly have little-to-no idea right now, and am questioning the wisdom of writing anymore. But hey, why not? In about 10 minutes I'm signing off, going home, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet that tonight I will ACCOMPLISH THINGS!!

I should really get a pretty floral bonnet...

Y'know, things like paperwork, thank you cards, cleaning, nesting, unpacking, constructive grownup things that aren't just watching Doctor Who or Game of Thrones or playing Skyrim.

Man, that doesn't sound like fun at all. I should really stop whining sometime too, when does not whining anymore happen? I'm looking forward to that one.

When I was a kid, I always imagined adult problems would be so much more interesting. But they're not really, they've evolved so slowly that even looking back it's hard to tell when the kid problems morphed into today's worries. I know I'm different than I was, it's just hard to nail down how, exactly.

I'm glad Spring is here.