Counting

I find lately I've developed a thing for lists...

I've also been in a bit of a funk. Spiritually speaking, I'm feeling dry. There's a variety of reasons, but one is that I find myself lacking the motivation to fix anything. I want to be motivated, but I'm not. The Meister would say I have a secondary motivation, but not a primary one...

Being a church-kid, I grew up hearing that a quick fix for this is to "count your blessings". Praise God for all He's done for me! And He has done a lot, but I'm loathe to use that method and today in my reading I think I figured out why.

In the words of the oh-so-venerable Rick Warren (yes, there's some sarcasm there, I'm not his biggest fan but I don't hate him either--God & I worked through that...):

It's not about me.

For instance, I know I'm blessed, I know I'm loved, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am treasured. That's not the issue. My problem is: I also know I don't deserve any of that. I am so unworthy of all my blessings! In the words of Isaiah:

"Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." (Is. 6:5 kjv)

It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I know I am blessed, and I also know that I don't deserve any of it--the numbering of my blessings some days only serves to remind me of how unworthy I am. Ironic, isn't it?

So, in the face of such a knowledge, where does on find comfort?

To begin with: Self-confidence is extremely over-rated.

How, knowing that I am a sinner incapable of saving myself (again, something I've heard since my preschool years, thanks to growing up in the church), can I feel confident in myself? All my righteousness is as filthy rags, and the winds of my iniquity blows them away (combination of Isaiah and Paul there, this isn't just an Old Testament thing)--none of the good things I do are good enough. Where is the comfort in knowing I am blessed by gifts if I am tormented by my own inner lack of self-worth?

Ah, there it is. Self-worth. By myself I am nothing. But if I empty myself and allow Him to fill me instead, if I become His willing vessel--therein I find worth, because He is precious and priceless. And with Him in me, I am given worth.

Self-confidence is pointless, my Confidence comes from Above.

And so I count, not ways I've been blessed, but reasons why the God I find confidence in is worthy of worship.

The following list I write with a reason. I've been allowing myself to get distracted for a while. Who wouldn't? Flip back a few posts to what's been going on this year, you'll understand why. But I'm saddened to say that my passion for God, His glory, and His Kingdom has been dimming. I've succumbed to the newly-wed idea of getting entirely wrapped up in my new partner (not his fault at all!), going through the paces of the new job, nesting & trying to unpack, figuring out how old & new dreams factor into the lifestyle changes, and attempting to balance and juggle several relationships.

But God? We've not spoken much lately. And that saddens me.

I want to want Him more. I miss being passionately in love with Him

Perhaps... I've heard before from a few favourite authors that God likes to be pursued and wooed, just as we do. We've been together a long time (relatively speaking), Him and I. Perhaps to add some vigour to our dynamic, I should chase after Him, the Lover of my Soul.

In the last 5 Psalms is a beautiful theme: praise. A lot of the other Psalms praise Him too, but these last five are especially poignant because they are filled with purely praise for God's person. Not just because of what He's done, or will do, or in spite of the suffering going on right now, not crying out for help or anything like that. The Psalmist simply takes the time to speak wonderfully of & to God.

I'd like to go through these Psalms in the next few days, perhaps on here, perhaps by myself, who knows...

"I will extol thee, my God, O king; and I will bless thy name for ever and ever.
Every day will I bless thee; and I will praise thy name for ever and ever.
Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; and his greatness is unsearchable.
One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts.
I will speak of the glorious honour of thy majesty, and of thy wondrous works.
And men shall speak of thy terrible acts: and I will declare thy greatness.
They shall abundantly utter the memory of thy great goodness, and shall sing of thy righteousness.
The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.
The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.
All thy works shall praise thee, O LORD; and thy saints shall bless thee."
Psalm 145:1-10 kjv

To just sit and acknowledge Who God is. There is confidence and peace. The Psalmist had a lot to say, but as my own Lover, shouldn't I have something to say about Him too?  Hence, I will count the ways my God is worthy of praise.

1. God is confusing. Yes, that's the first thing I came up with--but let's be honest, a lot of His followers feel this way & no one wants to say it out loud. I have heard so many times that God doesn't always make sense. What's your point? Neither does your girl/boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to stop your wanting to know more. I'm glad that my God is big enough and complex enough that I don't already understand Him all the time--how lame would that be? Because He is at times bewildering, I have the confidence that He will continue to be interesting for the rest of the Eternity I plan to spend getting to know Him better. If I--a finite human--knew Him completely, He would not be so worthy of praise.

2. He is patient. No matter how many times I think I've learned the lesson, He is still there to teach me again when I inevitably forget. I have forgotten, disobeyed, drifted away, lost patience, lost hope, and wailed in despair countless times--but He is always there, waiting to catch my tears and remind me that He is present and loving. He waits for me, and never grows weary of trying to teach me more about life at its fullest... more about Him. His never-ceasing patience is truly praiseworthy.

More will come later, I'm sure. In the meantime, I challenge you: why does knowing God give you confidence? Or, conversely, if you do not hold to the same beliefs that I do: what gives you confidence?

Later!