Austin, MN

That's where I am now...

Dreams are odd things, y'know? I had two of them the other night & they've been sticking with me ever since, so I think I should write about them... to get them to stop nagging me, if nothing else.

Mind you, I can't remember everything clearly, dreams are like that. What was rich in detail whilst I dreamt it has now faded to merely the major events. What made perfect sense in the dreamscape has lost some of the details that made it make sense & may now seem rather... well, nonsensical.

But anyway, I'll try my best to be a faithful descriptor, & let the rest be what it can.

In the first dream I had been given a task by a rather large man. He had a beer gut, & everything that stereotypically goes with it. He was nasty, smelly, and generally gives off that not-a-nice-person vibe. The task he had given me was to capture a smallish snake that was roaming free & place it into a cage he provided. Now, when I say smallish, I mean it was about the size of my forearm, and proportionately slender.

Easy, yeah?

The barest touch of this snake's fangs was death.

Did I mention that it's fangs were always out, and they were very, very long?

Right.

So I'm trying to catch this thing without actually touching it, because touching it means getting bit & I seem to have forgotten that I was dreaming (which was odd too, but whatever). One of my guyfriends was in the room trying to help--but I can't quite remember which one... The aggravating thing was that every time I almost had it caught, something would happen & it would get loose again. The really aggravating thing was that it was always the beer-gut guy's fault. I would get it caught under a bowl, only to have that bowl overturned when beer-gut bumped into the table it was on. I had it trapped in the cage & the cage door was blockaded shut by some heavy books; beergut bumped the books over. (I was trying to figure out how to shut the cage without getting bit, as the snake seemed intent on biting whatever part of the cage my fingers went near--did I mention how huge those fangs were?) You get the idea. Oddly enough, beergut only ever was in the room when the snake was almost captured.

Then I was bit.

Have you ever died in a dream before? Yeah, me either. When I was little, if I didn't like the dream I was having, I put myself in mortal danger (jump off a cliff, or a balcony, throw myself into a line of gunfire, etc.) to wake myself up, and it worked every time. A bit more extreme than pinching myself, but hey, it worked. I heard later that if you die in a dream, you die while your sleeping, because the mind is tricked into believing it's dead so it really dies... but I don't really think that's scientifically testable... but I digress.

So I'm bit, and my guyfriend thinks I'm dying, & beergut kicks us out of his place because he doesn't want us dying at his place, & I think we were being chased by something... But anyway, we wound up on a train. As we were getting to the train I was in more & more pain, I ws getting colder around the edges, and it was getting harder & harder to move. But there came a point when all of that started going away & I knew I wasn't dying anymore. Personally, I think I got distracted by the friends we found on the train & forgot I was supposed to be dying, so I stopped...

Then I looked out the window of the train & saw the snake, flying in the distance. It had grown to a huge size & was flying by magic, like a Chinese dragon. And I knew (somehow, like it happens in dreams), that beergut hadn't been the one who needed the snake captured--and killed--it was everyone. and I still needed to capture it, whether beergut provided the cage or no, otherwise it would kill everyone.

Then came the next one...

It was weird, because I was dreaming a parable... It took place at a farmhouse, in winter (there was snow on the ground), but the story I was being told was about something that had happened in the fall. I had wandered away from the farmhouse and found this strange little puppet theatre where all the puppets were brownies. But when they told be the story I saw the story, not the brownies (& I mean the food kind, not the fey).

The story they told was about a group of four friends who had been staying at the farmhouse in the fall. All was sunshine and happiness until the insurance salesman came. He was evil, and wanted to do something terrible, but knew that before he would be able to he must first divide the four friends. So he gave them each a shirt, saying that if they wanted his insurance all they had to do was wear the shirt he gave them. To three he gave t-shirts, each was a different color & each had a different style of neck. To the fourth he tried to give a t-shirt, but they refused. It was getting cold outside, and a sweater was really more sensible. This did not please the salesman, but he could not persuade the fourth, so in a rage, he gave it up. Then he left, to watch what happened.

At first, all was well. Then the cruel nature of the three was exposed; the three with the t-shirts began tormenting the one with the sweater. Sweater was still trying to be friendly, as before, but the three would have none of it. Little things, at first, name-calling & the like. Then it escalated, until the salesman had enough power that he came when sweater was trying to run away from the three into the house--when sweater reached the door, the one was devoured.

The three that remained were shocked, but not enough to leave the house. They remained outside, not daring to enter, but not wishing to leave, sniping at each other now, comparing colors & styles, never acknowledging their true enemy.

After the story, I pondered over the meaning while thoughtfully biting the head off of one of the brownie puppets.

Then I realized that my family (my dream family) were the heirs of this parable--this farmhouse we camped outside at this very moment was the one from the story, the insurance salesman in the story was the same monster that created such fear & hatred in my people! In a righteous anger, knowing the truth of the situation, I ran back to the farmhouse and the people who huddled around fires outside of it. I tried to convince them of the sanity of abondoning their code of t-shirts to put on some sweaters, then--I could feel myself freezing like I hadn't been able to before the parable--in desperation to be warm, I tried to get into the farmhouse.

I stood on the doorstep, and opened the door. A fierce roaring filled my ears, panic and fear swirled in my mind, I was about to die, then--

I woke up.

There, maybe now the itch to write this will leave me alone. I make no attempt to read these dreams, merely taking them for the usual random attempts of my subconscious to amuse itself while not otherwise occupied. But they might make for entertaining stories, if you're in the mood.

Holy Cow, is it Really Only 6:22?!?!

Why yes, yes it is. The computer clock does not lie!

I'm in shivery Minnesota at the moment, & it's rainy--cold & rainy. :P I suppose that & my 8yr old cousin running downstairs & needing to be chased back up them might account for my lapse in time awareness. It really felt much later!

So anyhoo... Indiana was wonderful, but already feels too far gone. Ah well, that just means I'll have to go back sometime soon. :)

Blow-by-blow, as I remember, went something like the following...

I drove up Wednesday morning, a bit before 11am Chicago time (this is important as IL & IN are in two different time zones). The drive was relatively uneventful, I didn't get lost, didn't break down, & only stalled out twice--both times at the place where the toll is paid. I arrived at R. & L.'s home that afternoon, before dinner--don't ask, it was wonderful but I can't remember what it was. I was too busy drinking in the loveliness of the ladies themselves. ;) After dinner we went to Bethel campus where--because of Spiritual Emphasis week--chapel was happening! We took E. with us, because she arrived at the house shortly before we left--but we played a quick game of sardines before we left.

Still with me? :D So at chapel I was received with much merriment & joy, my heart was full to overflowing at the reception given to me by these friends closer then family. I sat with my SOPHOMORES (formerly my freshmen, but Z. took issue with being called that this year, so I compromised. They're still mine, but they are allowed to have progressed beyond the year I found them in.), and got several hugs from them throughout the night--particularly Z. & H., my little (but taller) brother & my protege respectively.

After chapel I ran down to see PastorReverendD.Sir & his wife L., dragging H. along with me. Prof. D., PastorD's brother, was also there, and we had a nice long visit. HostessL. & E. joined us later, & eventually dragged me off home to sleep.

Are the letters confusing you yet? :D

Thursday, what did I do Thursday... Oh yes! I arrived on campus at 9:30am to attend the Acting II class (Z. told me the night before that they were doing Shakespearean monologues, knowing my love for the Bard full well), where I realized my ignorance by taking a quiz with the students. Different profs, different material--I never did know much about Stanislavsky, we studied Meisner in my Acting II class. Anyhoo, the monologues were very interesting to watch, I learned a lot & was impressed at the talent in the group.

11am was chapel, which I attended--after a fashion. I decided to pop into the sound booth to say hello to DN, but he wasn't there. Instead I was met by screams & dancing by W., so we attacked each other in hugs, then I left her to settle down while I said hello to DN. He was his usual stoic & sarcastic self, as I fully expected & was happy to find unchanged. I spent the rest of chapel in the booth with W. & DN., we listened, joked, and admired the ASL interpreter's madd skills of interpreting two "rap artists" at work. She was absolutely amazing, and completely hilarious. If you missed that chapel, or if you missed watching her, you missed out.

After chapel I went to the Directing II class, where I got to sit in on some discussions & the casting of their next batch of shows. That's right, I knew who was cast before the cast did! :D Then, somehow, I ended up in Senior Seminar, where I got to hear the seniors pour out their life's agony, plans, dreams, and trials. No worries though, I'll never tell.

Oh yeah, there was a brief lunch somewhere in there too... between chapel & Directing class I think...

After Senior Seminar I think I went back to R&L's "bed & breakfast"... R&L's B&B :) L& I created some amazing hash out of scrambled eggs & whatever leftovers out of the fridge seemed appealing. We tried to chase R. out of the kitchen--she was feeling sick, but was loathe to admit it--but she ended up back every time, eventually we talked her into sitting on the freezer in the corner & laughing at our antics. So we ate eggs, then a crowd of people showed up to watch "Serenity"--which is a fantastic movie, ending a wonderful series, no I'm not getting paid to say that, but I really think you should watch them if you haven't. Let's see, who came, there was S., J., R., L., B., and me, & I think that's all? Yes, that looks like all. Wow, I thought there were more, but I suppose not. Anyhoo, we watched the movie, then just chilled for a bit, then everyone went home. We went to bed, since R. Wasn't feeling well, but I think we read a bit first...

Friday! On Friday I got up, said goodbye to L.--she was going home for the weekend to see her family--then made tracks for WB's office, to make sure we were still having coffee. We were, so while all the students headed for chapel, my former voice instructor & I went to Stone's Donuts, where they make the best donuts I've ever had. (Yes, that was a freebie too.) I had an Arizona sweet tea & cherry turnover (incidentally, I'm pretty sure I accidentally left the tea & a Pepsi in R&L's fridge when I left... oops...darn!), he had a coffee & bismarck, & we both enjoyed a delightful visit. The first half hour was spent chatting about bikes--WB's new hobby/lifestyle--and the second half was a very helpful crash course in the use of contacts in attempting to find a job. I can hardly wait to get home to get started on what we talked about, hope is a lot easier to have when there's a tangible goal in mind!

After "coffee" with WB I went back to Sufficient Grounds to meet with V, & found her there chatting with DN about the show she's directing. From there V & I went to Trade Winds for lunch where was had another fantastic 2 hours, reminiscing, catching up, and generally picking up where we had left off.

After lunch with V I was kind of at loose ends, so I meandered onto campus with some vague misty notion of finding people, maybe finding interwebs, and I did! Find people, that is. I spent most of the rest of the afternoon just chillin' by the pond outside the FA with people--mainly S.E. & SK. W happened by once or twice, & I creepered the choir students to get some laughs & hellos, but eventually I ended up inside.

Dinner was had at Sufficient, where I tasted hummus once more--& more importantly ate with B., G., S., A., W., then chilled with B. after everyone else left for either rehearsal or other pre-arranged meetings. B & I waited there until 7ish when I discovered that my appointment was not going to come, then we proceeded to S.'s house where was happening...

SYFY FRIDAY! :) I am a total geek, I know, but it was fun! I hardly followed the SG-1 episodes we watched, and only stayed for a smidge of the ... Sanctuary episode, but I had a blast. M., F., S., & B. were there, there was candy abounding (including Dark Chocolate M&Ms, very important to people with dairy allergies... like me...) which I proceeded to sneakily redistribute around the room while NO ONE noticed... ;) ;)

After watching sci-fi, I went back to R&LsB&B, where I got to see R before we went to bed.

Saturday I ran onto campus really quick at 10am to meet with the photographer who had done pictures for my senior show last semester. He had the CDs ready for me--and at a very nicely discounted rate (which was only just, considering the time I'd waited & the run-around I'd been through just to get him to get them done). We made the exchange, pics for moneys, and I went on my way rejoicing. I tried to run into a couple of people to pass them out to, but only succeeded in finding F., my light designer.

After this rendezvous, I ran back to R&Ls, where I had promised the lunchtime to R. We had a grand time experimenting on egg plant, grilling sans supervision for the first time, making bruschetta--she makes amazing bruschetta, btw!--and adventuring through the blueberries praying for sweet ones. I love just being around that gal, she makes my heart full of sunshine.

After lunch I had kind of intended to go back to campus, but realized I didn't know what I'd do if I did, so I stayed at the B&B with R., & she introduced me to Avatar/Airbender, and I introduced her to Gir from Invader Zim. When the afternoon drew to a close we changed into our wedding attire & ventured forth!

To dinner at L&B's, where they had a lovely spaghetti dinner getting ready for the four of us. We had fun hanging out in the kitchen helping with dinner-more eggplant, incidentally, it was decided that day that none of us really knew how to cook it... Dinner was wonderful, then I was off to pick up MM, who was riding with me to the wedding reception of L&J, the whole reason for the trip in the first place. :)

The reception was lovely, the people were wonderful, and the bride & groom were as darling as can be.

Afterwards, a group of us went to Steak&Shake. To understand this you must know that there were four of us in my sophomore year who were in several classes together, including playwrighting. One of our favorite haunts for all-nighters, stress-relievers, & homeworking was Steak&Shake. Now, whenever the four of us are together in town, we must needs celebrate at Steak&Shake. So, after farewelling the bride & groom, away we went!

And what a night was had! It's nights like that one that make me wonder, if I'm that uninhibited when I'm stone-cold sober, what would I be like with a few drinks in me? Yikes... :)

The party wound up around 1:30ish, & we all went our separate ways.

Sunday morning I awoke, said a quick g'bye to R., who was off to a prior engagement, then away to College Park Church! B & W. were there too, so we had a merry back row again during the service (question: why is it called a "service"? Who does it serve, & who is serving? Just a random thought...). Afterwards, we all went to Grandma & Grandpa's house, where there were more people than I think I have ever seen there before.

Mind you, these two dear people are not my "real" Grandma & Grandpa, but they adopted me--along with several other college students--my junior year. They make a full-time ministry out of opening their homes, hearts, wallets, kitchen, and everything else they have to give, to the college waifs that come drifting into their church. They are largely responsible for my being able to communicate as well as I do with my "real" grandparents, because they showed me what that relationship is supposed to, & can, look like. The love these two have for complete strangers, it is awe-inspiring.

So, we had dinner--made in Grandma's kitchen by her & her girls. I got to sit in the dining room with BS (really those ARE his initials, I'm not just calling him names!) & the grown-ups, & I got to have some very good conversation & visiting with Grandma & Grandpa.

After this, I went to C's house to spend time with all my ZinZinDorf gals. Sorry all, what happens in ZZD, stays there. Suffice to say we laughed a lot & C's baby is absolutely adorable! :D

Then I ran away to get some ducks out of a vending machine with B, W, & G--after which I passed out the last of the picture CDs--and then I ran over to see J & V one more time before we all left. Then I ran to see PastorD & L--they were both sick by this time, and wouldn't be at the usual meeting, & I couldn't stand to leave without saying goodbye. Then I ran (sensing a pattern yet? Lots of running happening...) to the Gathering (my college-ageish small group). Since PastorD, our usual leader, was fallen ill, BS led us in prayer. However, there was no one with voice who could play piano, so instead of worshipping through song we worshipped via playing. :)

It was actually pretty funny... everyone was sitting around, agreeing that we ought to do something, but no one quite wanted to get up and start anything. I leaned over to R. & said "let's just start improving a scene, and see what happens". She agreed, so up we leapt, asked S. for a scenario, and proceeded to begin a rollicking game of Freeze. We played until 9pm, when I leapt into a scene and told R. "I'm sorry, but it's 9pm, and I have to go". She went on to tell me that I was about to turn into a swan, then a water buffalo, but if I could endure this for a couple hours the curse would be lifted & I would be human again.

Needless to say, I didn't find much sweetness in the sorrow of this parting.

Away I drove into the darkness, and I've been writing for an hour, so I think this is as good a place as any to say "the end" of this tale.

Guten Nocht!

Seattle's Best

It's the name of the coffee brand I'm drinking at the moment...

So I'm here! Visiting Bethel, and I've had so much fun since coming here... but something is ... different. It's not home anymore, I don't belong here anymore. It's odd, because I didn't realize that until I got here. I ended up in chapel Wednesday night (it's where the people were), when it hit me--this is not home, this is not my place, I don't belong here.

That's not to say that it doesn't still feel very comfortable, but it's ... well, different.

This happened once before that I remember. In Texas I had put down roots, I threw myself into living there with a gusto that I rarely threw into one particular place. After we moved to Illinois I went back to visit Texas & got the same strange sensation. Everyone welcomed me home, but it wasn't home anymore.

Not that Illinois was home--it never really has been, & I doubt it ever will be. But Texas--and now Bethel--isn't home. It just kind of emphasizes the point that no where in this world is my home, I look to another, better place as the place where I belong.

On a completely unrelated note, I HAVE PICTURES!!! The photographer for my senior show has gotten the pictures to me! Huzzah!! I confess, I was rather irritated (to put it mildly) with how long it took & how many times the actual meeting me to hand over the pictures took... but I found that the photographer was very difficult to be angry with in person. Plus, he greatly appeased me by giving a large discount. :)

Next time, I will have a written contract.

Anyhoo, hafta run. People to see, places to go, things to do. I may attempt a blow-by-blow account of this trip later--if I remember all the blows--but for now I'm off to enjoy it. :)

Fairfarren!

Two Hour Parking

So many thoughts happening in my head & I don't even know where to start with the writing them down thing... AAAAHH!!!!

You know it's a small town when a stranger stops in his walk & stops you in your web-business to tell you the history of the bench you're sitting on... :) No really, it just happened!

I need to be very careful. Lately I have found myself (again) falling into the trap of talking about God more than i talk to Him... I don't want to lose this communion we've been sharing, but it's going to take hard work to keep it going. Just like any other relationship, but I'm not really good at those either... :P

But the talking about Him has been amazing! I got the opportunity to stargaze last night for the first time in ages--and it was spectacular! I'm not really big on doing things like that by myself--I just don't think to do it I suppose--but L. suggested it yesterday, so we spent 10-1 gazing up at the sky. I hafta admit, I never thought a cloudy sky would be so much fun to watch. The stars didn't really come out until 12, but until then we had fun "star-spotting", and after that the stars themselves were... breathtaking.

But the conversation! Well, suffice to say that it kept us thoroughly entertained for 3 solid hours, and would have kept us longer I'm sure except that I had to get up at 7am this morning. Sorry, the contents of the conversation isn't showing up. I told you I wasn't including everything here! :D

I will share some thoughts it has provoked in myself however. There is so much left to learn!! There are so many viewpoints I have never looked at, have never even heard of, so many authors I've never read from, so many people I've never talked to, so much knowledge left to find! To think I spent the last four years concentrating so much on one subject, and I still don't even know much about that!

It makes me glad there's an Eternity to learn in. :) I really truly cannot find it within myself to believe the myth that once we reach Heaven we will be "too caught up in it all to remember any questions we might have had". If it is true, I cannot fathom it & ... almost don't want to. Say what you will, one of the most sacred acts of worship I know is learning. Curiosity is such an integral part of the nature of humanity, what makes people think it will suddenly be done away with? Perhaps it is hubris that leads to such thoughts, but I don't want to stop learning!

That was interesting, I really did not sit down intending to write about that.... Then again, I can't really say I ever have much of a plan when I do approach this blog... Hence the title I suppose...

I'm ... frightened.

"The wicked flee when nothing pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion" goes the Proverb... And "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it." is a quote from something I read long ago.

Lord-Love, give me your strength, and your courage. Let me know Your wisdom and patience. But more than anything else, teach me to Love Your people like You Love them! Nothing else matters without Your Love. May Your glory be accomplished in my life--bring Your kingdom here!

In other news, I ate a banana yesterday, a whole one, for the first time ever! It wasn't as bad as I remember them being. Maybe I'll have to eat another one again soon...

Vanillaroma

That's the name of the scent of the air freshener hanging from my car's rear-view mirror... don't ask, it's just the first thing that popped into my head. If you're still confused allow me to direct your attention to the title of this blog... ;)

What to write about, what to write about?

Well, I had an interesting dream Sunday morning. I dreamt that I was visiting Bethel--my alma mater!--for a while. I was staying in one of the Logan houses, but was wandering around campus at the time. But it was odd, I was walking down the steps on the pond-side of the Dining Commons and there was a massive crowd of people that I knew slightly, but not well enough for them or myself to care that we were seeing each other again. I was trying to make my way to the theatre building, but it was hard because there were so many people--all of whom seemed to be guys, & most of whom seemed to be wearing the same grey & dark red vertical striped sweater-thing, no idea where that came from. But then I saw a friend! J. was sitting next to the steps talking to someone on the other side of the steps. He would be happy to see me, right? So I hopped down to where he was & tried to strike up a conversation with him, but he kept trying to tlak around me to this other person--he didn't even care that I was there except to tell me that I was being rude by blocking his view of the person he was trying to converse with. I was so crushed & confused that I woke up.

Now I know for a fact that won't happen. I know I will be welcomed back with open arms--mostly because many of my friends have told me outright via Facebook. So where did this nightmare come from?

No idea, but it is interesting to see what it shows about the state of my mind right now... Mind you, I don't really go in for the whole dream-symbol-interpretation deals, but there have been some things I've noticed over the years. I tend to dream very vividly, and oddly somtimes. But nightmares, even little ones like this, are rare for me, and they usually mean something.

One thing to note is where it took place. I tend to place myself in either bizarre locals or the place I am most comfortable/at home in. So since I was at Bethel & on campus it makes me think that I still view the school as my home. I haven't actually dreamt myself into the house I live at here in Monticello for years, come to think of it...

Next, I realized in my dream-state that I was visiting, I wasn't living there like  was in a couple of earlier dreams (I put in some really weird scholarship hours with the theatre secretary in one of them... that was odd!). Am I moving on? ... ? Maybe.

Also, this fear of not being even seen... It's an old one for me, but I haven't felt it in a while about Bethel. There's always someone smiling at me there.

Who knows, but I must depart for now, the lappy's battery is dying.

Blue Duck!!

I have one in my pocket!! :D

It might be worth figuring out how to upload pictures to this just to be able to show off my blue duck...

The best part is that he was free! The church was cleaning up the football field this morning (the highschool had a game last night--why is "high school" not one word?) and I found him under the bleachers.

Okay, so he's a rubber pencil-topper, but he's so cute! Much cuter than the wad of chewing gum I thought he was at first.

Also, I have a friend! In town!! Whoohoo!! It was really quite random today, I decided to finish reading "Piercing the Darkness" (another Perretti work) before going to the library, which means that I was just pulling up shortly before 4. L. rode in on his bike as I was sitting on the back of Liffey (my car), and we started chatting. He's someone I used to work with at the grocery store--and he always made it more interesting (he's a fellow thespian, how could he not?), so no I'm not just striking up random conversations with strangers riding by on bikes--don't worry. But one thing led to another, we both found out about the other person being lonely, so we had a lot of laughter & he just came back to ask if he looked ridiculous. :)

I've missed having friends my own age--especially having guyfriends. I never realized just how much I love my brothers until I didn't have them around anymore.

I remember now, I wanted to write about soccer!

Sorry, that was actually in response to my nephew's game that I went to this morning--after cleaning up at the football field. A friend once told me that the best definition of a soccer game she'd heard was something to the effect of "we get very excited when something almost happens". I have to say I think I agree with her. I've never really been a big sports fan, personally--I can pretend for the sake of the Superbowl parties, but it's really just pretending. But it's my nephew's game, right? So, to be a good auntie, I'm trying to do all the good auntie things like going to games. It's hard to be enthusiastic at 8:30am, but last week I managed a little--in spite of the shivering. This week it was a bit easier, the game was at 9:30am & it was much warmer outside.

But I kept getting distracted by these monstrously large butterflies and dragonflies! They were huge, and flying maybe a yard above the kids' heads, like they were chasing them--seriously! They made it very difficult to concentrate on the game.

But My nephew's team (the orange one--no really, no names, they're only colors) won, 4-1. I think they're pretty good for their age, this is the second game of 2 they've won... so they're undefeated as yet. That means they're pretty good, right? ;)

Anyhoo, I think I should go--right after this last thought.

The new, well, renewed friend? He's great & I think I'm going to thoroughly enjoy getting to know him better. But it's interesting, he's a... hehehe, a "devout atheist" I think might apply. I'm kind of excited, it's been a while since I've been able to rub shoulders with anyone my own age who believes something that different than I do... that sounds not at all grammatical, but I think you can get the general meaning. Back to the trunk: could this be the answer to my plea to know why I'm still here? It's an interesting thought.... Lord-my-Love, what are You up to?

I'm the French Maid

That's right, my first venture into the local community theatre is going to be as a French maid--Marie. :) In a melodrama. Hehehe...

Bah, I don't feel like writing here today. Not at the moment anyhoo, maybe later.

Oddities...

Random thought... I put "Gives you Hell" by All-American Rejects into Pandora, and ended up listening to "Firefly" by Owl City.

Not that I minded a lot, but I thought that was a bit strange...

Anyhoo. I find my thoughts a bit scattered at the moment, but pleasantly so. Everything is so very picturesque right now. I'm sitting on a bench under a tree next to the farmers' market while small-town folk meander through the street. There's a peace within that has been more constant than usual for the last few days, and I'm rather enjoying it. The battles waged daily for the purity of my mind have been successful for the past while, and overall things seem to just be going well.

It makes me slightly nervous, actually.

Life in general seems to have been going so well lately, is it because they really should be? Or is it more because I'm no threat to Satan, so he's leaving me alone? Am I becoming complacent? Have I lost something vital that should be happening?

It has been a long time since I prayed consistently.

I very recently finished "This Present Darkness", by Frank Perretti (sp?), and was again struck by the power the prayers of the saints have in the War of Souls. "The prayers of a righteous man availeth much".

What have mine been availing?

I'm afraid for the relationship my Father and I have. I fear it is not what it should be. Lately it's become more about doing, and far less about listening and asking. I talk about Him, but I rarely talk to Him.

It's irritating, really. How many times have I found myself here? Yet I still end up here. Wouldn't you think I would learn from this, sooner or later? I suppose I am still learning later rather than sooner.

Oh God, have mercy on me, a sinner! Teach me again and continually to crave You and Your presence more than anything and everything else. Make me content only in communion with You.

Interesting, how He works. Sometimes it is despair that drives me to my knees, crying out to Him for deliverance. Today it is the beauty, the peace that gently reminds me of Who has been with me and yearns (how strange!) for my attention.

I want to be someone the demons fear.

Paul, the apostle, was known by the demons, and they feared him. In the aforementioned book, Hank Busche was known to the high princes of the demons as "the praying man", and they wailed when he entered a room and prayed. I want that! I want to be a thorn in the side of the enemies of my God.

And the only way to accomplish that is to continually dwell in His presence, to be constantly filled with His Spirit. I am going to be possessed by someone or something, I am too weak and frail to hang on to my own soul--all humans are. I would rather be possessed by the Living God than by the prince of this world.

Well, I think that's enough random musings for today. Time to go write something! ;)

Cabaret

No, the title really doesn't have anything to do with what I'm writing, but it's the musical I'm listening to at the moment... :) I found out that Pandora does genre stations, so I typed in "showtunes", and discovered a fount of happiness.

So, returning to last night and the update I was supposed to give after the auditions--but didn't because I forgot to take my laptop with me--I discovered something interesting.

I am an actor. I kind of had an inkling before that every time I was backstage in all black I was just masquerading as something else, but I really am an actor. Last night I was in a pole-barn that was not yet finished being renovated, with a bunch of people who haven't the faintest idea how to do either a French or a British accent (I think I heard Russian though... oddly enough), it was dusty, and there weren't many people there--but I was loving every minute of it. Did I mention the play is a melodrama? I think it's going to be fun... if I make it.

I really do hope I make it.

In other news, I met with my pastor today to talk about making some drama. I love how much he wants to bring theatre into the church, he's got a kind of catching enthusiasm about it. The topic of the next couple of months is going to be grace. Grace that heals, forgives, frees, and more. The sermon series began this last Sunday, and will continue through ... November... I think... :)

It's odd, really, the themes that I see in the Church of today. There seems to be a kind of quiet revolution in the thinking of the church that's happening lately. It makes me wonder, has this begun only lately, or is it just that I finally started paying attention? I'm rather inclined to believe the latter, but to hear older church leaders talk makes me wonder if it isn't actually the former.

But grace is what I was thinking of today... specifically stories of grace. It's such a mystery, this grace. It's a product of an unfailing and immeasurable love, and it tends to evoke a like love in return. It is not forced, but can only be offered and received by faith--a faith that does not understand, but trusts the Giver anyway. The angels themselves cannot comprehend it. If the Satan could, the great War of Souls would be finished and he would again enter Heaven's gates. It's strange, that these beings so superior to humanity in so many ways should be outside this mystery--understanding is reserved for God, the accepting and acting upon it is given only to the weak sons and daugters of Adam and Eve.

But what is it? As a church-kid the definition taught to me as a child was "a gift I don't deserve", but surely it's so much more than that. Grace says "I love you" before the receiver is even able to hear, let alone willing. It whispers in the darkness of despair "I am here". Grace says that I don't deserve it, but should accept it anyway.

God, You are truly amazing.

Am I making this more difficult than it should be? He makes the simple to confound the wise. Grace is blue skies and a gentle breeze. It is a warm fall rain that brings a breath of clean heavenly spring to a world falling asleep in its winter. It is a shoulder and a tissue where some would offer rebukes for foolishness. It is the music of the saints through the ages--a song that none else know how to sing. The stars sing of Glory, the angels of honor, but only the fallen race of Adam can sing of the fiercely beautiful Grace.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.

But Grace?

Grace. Grace is the cause of whatever hope we have. Grace is what gives us the knowledge of the unseen. It is not content with indifference, this grace. Unmatched in gentleness, it is yet fierce in its demands. It will not be ignored, it will not be brushed aside. Either accepted or rejected, it must have something done with it.

Crap.

How am I supposed to write a 5-minute sketch on that?

Stumbled on it, Hm? Bah.

So today's is going to be kind of short, because my battery is running out... :P

Remember how I said I was becoming Yankified? No worries, after last night & today I realize that I am thoroughly entrenched in my love of warm weather, and am very cold-blooded (not to be confused with cold-hearted, I hope). I like my jackets, but need them after a very small plummet in the temperature. And I'm going north for a time--why? Because I'm crazy... oh yeah.

In other news, auditions tonight! For the community theatre, and I have no idea what to wear. I know this seems small & petty, but I don't have to worry about prepping a monologue, and haven't had the opportunity to read the script, so what else am I going to worry about? I have no idea if people here dress professionally for auditions--but I have the sneaking suspicion that they don't, since I got laughed at for asking if they would want a monologue... & I dislike showing up overdressed for anything...

I think I'll compromise: nice jeans (aka, no holes in them), and a nice top. And shoes! Musn't forget the shoes! :D

Wow, that was a lot about clothes. I'm sorry, I can't help it, I'm an actor! I have to worry about my image, I'm selling myself! (And not like that, get your mind out of the gutter you dirty people...)

Maybe I'll be able to stop by and write more after auditions. I'll have to see how late they run. I won't know the results tonight, of course, there's a second round on Thursday. But it'll be interesting being in auditions again... I confess, I loved treading the boards before I knew anything else about theatre...

Kind of shallow, but this is where my mind is at the moment. Maybe I'll be deeper later, or tomorrow... In the meantime, make the most of what you've got, right?

In the Parking Lot

I think I'm becoming Yankified. This breath of cooler weather is invigorating!!

I'm currently sitting in the parking lot of the library in town (for the wifi :), in the back of my car with the hatchback up. It's a relatively windy day, which makes the weather even lovelier!

I can hardly believe it's September. I'm entering my first school year minus the school--and I still have no idea as to what God wants in my life. Well, okay I'll correct that: I have no idea as to what the next step is going to be. I know what He wants, I just don't know what shape that will take in this next phase of my life.

T. A. Barron talks a lot about in-between places. Mist is in-between air & water, Avalon is between the afterlife and earth, humans are more than animal but less than god. I feel like I'm in one of those in-between phases right now, but I never realized how truly, astonishingly irritating they are. D'you know what I mean? Avalon is a mysteriously beautiful place. Mist is eerie & lovely. Humans are perplexing and fascinating. But really, I feel nothing so much as impatience for this time of life to be done with already!

I suppose it's all in the perspective I take on it. Today everything has a brighter look to it than anything has in a while. (I think it's because it rained yesterday, but I'm not entirely sure.) But I know some things... nevermind, I completely lost that train of thought. Derailment by gust of wind, sorry! :)

Anyway, today the sky is blue and life seems good. All I really have is today, it is as close to eternity as I can get at present, so I mean to enjoy it.

"The Screwtape Letters" is a very enlightening book, by the way. It's written by one of my absolute favorite authors, C. S. Lewis, and it contains a good deal that has ... sort of shaken me awake to the whiles of Satan. It's crazy how cunning he can be.

(I know that last bit seemed tangential, but if you read the book I think you'll understand the connection, it's there! Honest!)

It's kind of funny, I want to keep writing, but I really can't think of anything more to say. Oh! I remember what else I wanted to write about!

There are 3 roadtrips coming up in my close future. I'll write about them...

The first is coming up pretty quickly (that reminds me, I need to call the people I'm staying with...). I'll be traveling back to Mishawaka, IN (back, because I went to school there) for the wedding of two of my friends, Josh & Lisa. But I'm also very much looking forward to seeing friends again. I don't really have many compatriots my own age here in Monticello, but that's bordering on self-pity, and I hate self-pity. It's so irritating, don't you think?

The second is actually happening the very day after I get back from Indiana. my parents and I will be driving up to see family in Minnesota, land of the Vikings. A family get-together is the reason, but Dad and I will also be scoping the place out for possible employment. Minneapolis is a pretty big theatre town (second only to New York, NY), so I'm hopeful--and Dad might get a job there too, that could be fun!

The third is happening the second weekend of October, and it's the one I'm probably least excited about. A 16-hour drive is no big deal, we're going to New Braunfels, TX for my step-granddad's birthday. But... I haven't seen the family & friends there for years--literally.There's one particular friend that I'm not even sure if I'll see... but I hope I will. We parted badly the last time we met, & I'm hoping I'll get the chance to make amends. It's not likely, but who knows? With God, all things are possible.

Anyhoo, I really must get back to doing something constructive.

Fairfarren!

Begining Anew

Wow, it's been awhile.

I started this blog out of boredom, I confess. Yes, I was one of those useless people who thought "I should blog about my life". Then I realized that life cannot actually be shared unless I am willing to be open about it. I can't share anything worthwhile unless I'm willing to bare my soul.

I read a book recently called "Flashbang". In it the author talks about how most Christians are just flashbangs: all bright lights, loud noises, and scariness--but leaving no impact. In order to really leave evidence of our presence behind we have to be willing to do more than share personal anecdotes, I have to be willing to be vulnerable when called upon.

Am I going to do that here? Absolutely not. Well, okay, maybe to an extent. But let's be honest: I don't have time to sit here typing every little thing that happens, and such vulnerability as that would be exhausting! No one would read that!

Not that anyone reads this anyway... but that's my own doing. Perhaps I'll tell people about this blog... but not today. Today is simply saying hello to a long-abandoned facet of creativity. Today I just write for the sake of writing, because I am a writer.

So, on that note, I say hello again! And now I have to leave, so...

Goodbye, for now.