Regrets

Holy cow, I actually intend to write about the title of this post too... This is getting serious now, folks, better watch out... ;)

But not yet, first: and apology in advance.

I have been so gratified to find that views are up on this blog! Woot! People actually want to read this, what?! Crazy-talk. But for you who have been reading please don't get too discouraged in the coming two days when I shan't be able to post. I'm pulling extra shifts at the pillow place and will not be making it home 'till after the wifi is fled. Just a head's-up, but no fear! Regular writing will resume on Monday. :) Thank you tons for your readerness!

Now, where were we?

Italian sodas are a lot less exciting sans chocolate chip cookies. Yes, that's right, I just used "sans" in a sentence... correctly... boom.

Why do you read this again? Not that I'm not gratified, but wow... :S

I was struck today by how woefully behind I am in keeping up on the lives of my friends. My list of people to call is reaching ridiculous proportions, and only getting longer... I wish I knew how to play this game better... (not the one you just lost, that other one...) Friends of mine are getting married, having babies, directing shows, finding significant others, pursuing degrees, and... well... living life. But I can't be there with them at the moment, I'm up here in Minnesota--and while I love it up here, I can't help but wish I were closer to these friends of mine so I could be living life with them.

But such a wish is futile--when my friends are so very scattered. How do I live closer to the friend in California without removing myself from the friends in Detroit and Chicago? How do I get closer to them without leaving behind the friends in Minneapolis? There's no way around it, I just need to get better at this whole long-distance thing... and I need to figure out a way to better afford more roadtrips...

When I was a kid I used to wish that I could buy an apartment building somewhere, move in, and move all of my friends and family in with me. Then everyone I knew would know & love everyone else I knew and we would all live within an elevator's ride of each other. Yes, I know it's impractical--I knew that at the age of 6 when I concocted the scheme--but it still sounds delightful. Aren't the most cherished dreams often the least achievable?

Regrets. I have often had cause to regret not calling someone, or emailing them, or sending a letter or a text or a message. But I have never had cause to regret reaching out to someone. Even if I was hurt by the person I reached out to, the pain was of the lesser kind that I recognize will fade over time & be overshadowed by the good memories.

The pain of being hurt by someone I reached out to is far, far more bearable than the pain of hurting someone I love through neglect. Yes, I've done both, I've been on both ends, and I know which I prefer.

There is in our culture today an idea that time is precious. I would agree with that, there is a limited supply and it's a non-renewable resource. But I notice a disturbing trend resulting from this idea. The thought that my time is precious and I should only spend it on things & people that are worth that time. I should not "waste" time by spending it on people who do not recognize the worth of my time.

I have a couple of problems with this idea. One: as a Christian, "my" time does not exist. I have given everything I am & have over to God and am merely a steward of what He has chosen to entrust to me. In that respect, I don't actually have any time. It all belongs to Someone Else.

In that respect though, I am instructed to be a good steward of all the resources given to me. I have been given much, so much is expected and I have a reputation that is not my own that I need to maintain. In this fashion, I should guard my time and use it wisely.

But what does that look like? I have said it before & will say it again: My lasting regrets in this life have never come from spending time with someone--regardless of whether they recognized its worth. I might regret it for a time, but such an act is not something I look back on years later and still sigh over.

No, my lasting regrets come from not spending time with people.

Granted, this means there's a line to walk. There are so many people in this world, how can we ever spend time with all of them?! And even if we only spread ourselves thin between our loved ones, there may still be a good many of them--how to accomplish this?

Heck if I know. I never said I knew what to do about this!

What do you think this is, an advice column?? Jeesh...

Sorry, brief digression, just in case you forgot where you were... ;)

Regrets are strange. I'm sure you've heard it said "live with no regrets!" but how is that possible? I know it is, I've seen it happen. My great-grandmother said she had no regrets about her life.

But have I already screwed up my chance to live that way because I've already done things I do regret?

Or is it something else. Is living with no regrets more of an attitude toward failure? Is it instead regarding each act that could be regretted as an opportunity for growth instead? Instead of wallowing in guilt, if I could look my failures square in the face, acknowledge them for what they are, embrace them as a teacher and friend, then move on with my life--could that take the regret out of such actions? I like to think so.

When stage managing, there's a mantra (there's lots of them, but that's beside the point) I find myself particularly fond of. It applies to miscalling a cue, especially in the midst of the show. I can't allow myself to wallow in guilt over the mistakes made, if I do I'll lose focus and the mistakes will snowball. Instead, make note of the mistake (be it mentally or in writing if there's time), and move on to the next cue. Learn from the miscall, and don't mess it up next time.

It seems to me that attitude could serve quite well for the rest of life in general as well.

And with that thought, I'm off. Have a great weekend!