"There are better things to do today. Dying can wait."

A brief respite from the storytelling today, I'm feeling philosophical... and the best part about this? It's my blog--I'll write about whatever I want, whenever I want! So there! :) Mwahahaha...

One of the more interesting side-effects (yes, I had to look up to see if it was an "effect" or "affect") of stage managing was the finding of another limitation--namely, the limits of my tendinitis (if that's misspelled I blame spellcheck). I developed the condition in my left elbow about a year & a half ago, and thanks to catching it soon, babying the joint, a new brace & an ibuprofen regime, the limb in question became pain-free and limber again within weeks.

However, as with all my limits, I had to find this one by running full-tilt into a brick wall before I accepted that it even existed. One of the duties I took upon myself as stage manager of Macbeth was mopping the stage every night after shows & rehearsals--there was a lot of sticky blood all over, so it wasn't something that could go undone. For the first two or three weeks I was fine; I wore my brace like a good girl, and nothing happened except the occasional twinge after I was done.

Then the second to last week hit, and my arm suddenly decided of its own volition that it had had enough and wasn't going to mop the whole stage anymore. I'd manage to make it through about half--if I was lucky--and the pain in my elbow would flair up and make it nigh unto impossible to continue.

It's a very humbling experience, being a stage manager incapable of mopping my own stage. I would like to say that I sailed through and was grace personified, inspiring all around me with my beatific acceptance of my condition--but would be lying. I think all who know me know that I haven't that much sweetness to me--nor that much meekness. Truth be told, I was angry. Not mildly irritated, but angry--you who've seen me angry know the difference, and I caught myself having days of irritation that usually mean I've not had enough alone time. But I'd been taking steps to ensure the introvert in me was taken care of--what's the problem? I asked myself several times, on one day particular when every little thing just ticked me off so much. I was raging inside, and taking a fierce delight in the feeling--just waiting for one justified reason to light into somebody.

Then I realized, I was so angry because I was having difficulty accepting that I can no longer do everything I could. I hate being told I can't do something, and my gut reaction is to go do it just to prove whoever said such a ridiculous thing wrong. But in this instance my own body was telling me, and preventing me from proving it wrong. As soon as I realized the cause of my anger it became easier to subdue and deal with--obviously, the first step in mastering emotions is to recognize their source. Yet, I still don't like it.

It's a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around, frankly. At the age of 23--which may seem old to some, it did to me once--I'm trying to come to grips with the idea that a member of my body is broken, and will likely never be fixed. Tendinitis is a chronic condition, I will be dealing with it until the day my soul takes leave of this earthly tent I call my body. And it hurts.

Don't get me wrong, health issues are nothing new to me. I've lived with asthma and weird allergies for as long as my memory informs me. But as long as I avoided those certain triggers, I usually lived pain-free. But now? I live with pain everyday, brace or no. And I'm trying to realize that it's not going away, the best I can hope for is a slow deterioration.

Please understand, I'm writing this not to whine or complain, but because these thoughts have been trying to write themselves for days now. It's just how I process things--and I feel this should be shared. I'm not angry anymore--well, not most of the time. :) And I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I know plenty of others who deal with a far worse pain everyday with even less hope of relief. Mine is perfectly manageable. I'm young and strong, and pain meds still help!

I s'pose it's the philosophy minor coming out and expressing itself. My nature and education is such that I don't usually ask "why me?" but rather "what can I learn from this?" And I write because sharing the lessons usually solidifies them for me better. So, here's what I've learned thus far from my stupid elbow. :)

I need other people. I like being "a loner" and am an introvert. Left to my own wishes and devices I might go for days without seeing people--well, once upon a time I would have. I also enjoy being self-sufficient, being the problem-solver, the fixer, the person with all the answers. But when I couldn't even mop the very stage I was supposed to managing--as I said, it was very humbling, especially in a show I had no crew for. But my friends stepped up even without my asking. Peter (the director) would come up every night those last two weekends and take the mop away from me, my lead actor James mopped for me, another actor Alec came early and asked if he could mop--the number of people & the people themselves that came and took over doing what I couldn't do anymore ... they gave me warm fuzzies every time I stopped being angry at myself and looked at what was being done. I couldn't have done the job alone, but the people I needed were there.

Asking for help--it's not something I enjoy doing, but I got a bit more practice once I realized I was causing more damage by trying to push through the pain. I'm not saying I enjoyed it, but I did get more practice.

Something I knew already, but I fear to few Christ-followers acknowledge: there is grace to be found outside the Church. I think Christians like the notion that we have a monopoly on grace, as if we're the only ones who know what it looks like & how to give it. But, honestly, I was shown huge amounts of grace from these brothers and sisters of mine in the theatre that don't acknowledge the existence of God, or think of Him in a different fashion than I do. As I said, I wasn't exactly saintly in my wrestling with the facts of my inabilities, but the compassion shown me in the midst of that was beautiful. It's something to think about, surely.

Anyhoo, that's where my heart's been lately. Thanks for reading! <3